Abuse

Been thinking, or I should say, overthinking things again.

For the first time in 60 years, I have managed to put a face with the event of my rape, and it was a boy scout leader. Not of the troop I belonged to, but another one in the area. Him, and his friend. It was why he was able to gain the trust of my brother, other boys in the area, and me. I am livid with rage, and have to fight my feelings of wanting retaliation.

I cannot just bury it anymore, or compartmentalize it either. It must be dealt with somehow, but that currently eludes me. Violence is not the answer, although it would fit the crime, it is just not a part of my being. All I know, is that I am tired of it being so much a part of my make up. It permeates literally every part of my being. My Lord has used it for good in me, as He has had the trauma fuel my passion for helping others. It is time to take care of “me” though. Just do not know how to. The self abuses of the past certainly do not work, even if they were a temporary reprieve from the pain. Trading one for the other, was just different, not better. I will not get into those abuses here, they were just too private to share. Suffice to say, they were there, and were a large part of my self survival tools. They were also a part of pushing everyone away. My way of saying look at me, I am too broken to love, or even like. And I am just now able to begin to understand that.

Yes, I want to solve my dilemma. I DO want sweet revenge, but not in a violent way. Not anymore. Just have to figure out how. My fight, or flight personality has kicked in to high gear. Flight, I tried, and it does not work. Just makes it worse, so, it has to be fight, but how? The flight, was running from the unknown. Now that the cause is coming into the light, I want to fight. Have to.

You have any ideas on how to fight a demon?

Chris

2 thoughts on “Abuse

  • Your honesty amazes me. I think you’ve taken the first step in healing by sharing and acknowledging the situation. I don’t have any answers or suggestions but my heart is proud, but also broken for you. Love ya Chris

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  • Thank you so much, Sandi. I once wrote in my journal, that the dam is full, but it just keeps raining. That was before any of this returned to memory, and before I had any inkling as to the causes of the deterioration in my metal health. There were very recent emotional traumas I believed were the cause, and they were to a certain extent, but the deep ones remained buried for too many more years.

    Thanks for your response, and you can help, by joining me in prayer as I continue to seek His face, and answers.

    Like

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